Why is it sometimes so hard?

I finally slept well last night and woke up feeling much better this morning. I was pleased and somewhat unsettled. I have been away for a couple weeks, and then sick, and even before I left I was feeling very unsettled...for no particular reason just a general feeling. I kept trying to reach "me", the "me" that Master helped me to find, the "me" that usually keeps me sane, the "me" that has become a more open, trusting, sexual person...but that "me" seemed to be pretty elusive.

So I left, feeling a little lost before I left. No, I did not mention my feelings to Master, it was the holidays, we were both crazy busy, and I was not really sure why I was feeling so lost.

When I leave Master always reminds me to use my tool box. He is telling me to continue with my routines, to text, to call, to send reports, to ask for permissions, as often as I need to...to prevent any disconnect. On this trip my tool box pretty much remained unopened. We kept in contact with texts, but everything else pretty much went by the wayside. I was missing Him like crazy, and knew I was running away, not toward Him, but my "voices" were in full force, and I just kept going in the wrong direction. I finally convinced myself that Master deserved better ( He does )...and maybe I should just tell Him to find a prettier, skinnier, sexier, better all around submissive. Yeah..I was headed someplace I have not been in a while.

So, I got home, got sick, we talked about the holidays and family.
This morning when I sent my text I told Him to stay warm...it is FREEZING were....His reply was that He would be warming my bottom today.

I got to Master's we hugged, I went to check on His new project. He suggested I go and get naked and kneeling. He did ask what happened to my tool box while I was away. I did get naked and kneeling, but was not in the proper position when He walked in. He stopped, told me to put my hands where they belonged, and waited for the yes Sir....it did come out, but not immediately. He came over to claim my body, and talked quietly and calmly, to get my head back where it belonged, as He put it.

He finally told me to get up and put my hands on the ottoman, and my bottom up and out. He was not punishing me for gaining 1 1/2 pounds, even though that put me 1/2 pound above my wriggle room, but He was going to paddle me for His enjoyment. I felt the cold of wood and I looked up, as I felt the frist smack...it hurt, no warm up, almost 3 weeks since my last spanking, and a large piece of wood. After the 3rd one I moved out of position, was warned that would mean extras and bent back down. I hear Him telling me to relax and accept, I so want to say...hand me the wood and You relax...but I don't.

He continues to paddle, but in sets of 3, with rubbing after each set, I do recoginize this as a concession on His part. I hear 10 harder ones, and I manage to stay in place and breathe through them. He is pleased, after a rub, I am told last set, still harder, and I do get through it. He tells me those last ones were much harder than the first ones that I could not stand still for, I was finally getting my head in the right place.

I was then invited over His lap, for a hand spanking and more rubbing. We chatted a little about His expectations, and I did say to Him, You deserve better. His immediate reply was, then You should be better, because He is staying put. He reminds me it has been close to 10 years, I should be confident that He is hanging around and going no place. He also reassures me that He is pleased with my submission , my weight loss, my service to Him. I am finally relaxing and feeling like I am once again where I belong. We move on to more enjoyable activities, it has been way tooo long between permissions...my fault, I know.

So, as I sit here on a sore bottom, I once again realize how lucky I am. Master, My Master, knows "me" so well. He knows when to control, and when to encourage, when to scold and when to talk softly, and most importantly....how to help me find "me". I am also asking....why do I do this to myself, why do I sometimes make it so hard? Hopefully, I will remember today and not got down that road anytime soon.

hugs, abby