On Monday's i wake up and as soon as i am awake enough for logical thought, i think...it is Monday...quickly followed by the thought...i will be spanked. Most of the time now, it is a fleeting thought before i start my day. It is a fact of life, a part of my submission. On a rare Monday i think, i am so happy it is maintenance day, i need to feel Master's paddle, Master's strength, i need a sore bottom. More often, i start to think, i am not sure i want this, i do not want a hard spanking today.
As i lie there, i remember why we started maintenance. It was maybe 7 years ago...we had moved from being occasional spanking partners into a submissive/Master relationship. It was not what i was looking for when we first met....not what He was looking for....but, slowly it was where we ended up. It was all so new to me, but i knew how i felt..like i was whole, i had found a part of me that had been missing. We had much in common, and we just seemed to 'fit'.
But, i was struggling. I wanted to move forward, but was finding it difficult. I was having a hard time sustaining my submissive mindset between spanking sessions. I will add, i also had major trust issues, and very large never to be torn down walls had been built ....they were meant to be permanent. Master was making progress on the trust issue, He proved many times over He was a man of His word.
I had been reading blogs for a couple years, and one morning when i was thinking..why am i not better at this...at sustaining my submission when life got busy? I read a blog....that is no longer available...and i sat there stunned. I could have written it...this person was feeling exactly what i was, asking the same questions. It was unbelievable....i asked if i could send parts of the entry to Master, since she had written what i wanted to say so much better than i ever could. She agreed, i typed a note to Master and debated on sending it. I did finally send it, He replied immediately...and the next day was the first maintenance spanking.
I was in shock, i think, and honestly....wondered for a while how long weekly would last. It did not take me long to realize that weekly....meant every single week. Has it changed over the years...yes...we did not start out on a set day, or with a special maintenance paddle...or basically the same routine we follow now.
The result....my submission truly became a part of me, daily, with no doubts. My doubts about me....and yes...some about Him...were no longer nagging at me...some of my walls started to crumble....i found myself relaxing into my submission, we found ourselves moving forward.
No journey is ever always smooth sailing, but with the start of maintenance we seemed to have found a way to ensure our connection, to make it stronger. Am i advocating maintenance for everyone...of course not. We are all different in so many ways, our journeys are unique, our relationships are based what the two people involved need and want.....but for me....waking up on Monday's means i will be spanked...hard...and i will start my week calmer, more sure of myself, feeling safe knowing that i am His....and that is just what happened today.