Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The land of "what ifs?"

*****This post is brought to you courtesy of our friend Cat. I am using my new notebook and it would not let me post....she came to my rescue...Thanks!I

     I have always considered myself a fact oriented person.  Look at the facts and draw a logical conclusion.  Granted, not always the right conclusion, but one based on fact.  As i have grown older, i have really tried to train myself to live 'in the moment'.  I tell my kids...'don't buy trouble, chances are it can find you'.  It's been 7 weeks since my last surgery, a long time to have to sit around and recover, time to let past demons reappear, time to let my mind wander to the dreaded land of 'what ifs'.  

     It has been 7 weeks....and counting...since i have knelt, naked for Master. Way back when we were first starting our journey, i remember telling Him....'i don't do naked'. (you can all stop laughing now).  At the time i meant it.  I was much heavier than i am now, i had been often reminded of how un-sexy i was, and i could not imagine anyone wanting to see me naked, let alone my allowing it to happen.  It took a while, but Master got me there, then to the point where i did not even try to cover up with my hands, and finally where i was actually comfortable with be naked for Him.  Well, it's been 7 weeks and...i had a 12 incision which left a scar.  He has seen it, he asked to, i refused, He asked again, sat back and gave that look...the one that says, i can sit here all day and wait....so He has seen the scar.  But i am no spring chicken, and all my insecurities have returned along with the 'what ifs'.

   It has been 7 weeks ..and counting....since i have been spanked, with the exception of some gentle taps on my pajama clad bottom.  I know my tolerance will be very low, what it does not return, what if i cannot stay in place, what if i cannot 'take' a hard spanking or hard play, what if i disappoint Him?  

   It has been 7 weeks ...and counting...since i have cum for Him. Truthfully, the scarier part, since i have had any desire at all.  I used to read your blogs or stories and have to ask for permission, i am still reading and enjoying, but not an inkling of needy a permission.  Whenever i would get embarrassed at how quickly i would get wet and ready, or need a permission, Master tells me ...that is the best compliment i can give Him. What if, i can no longer give it to Him.  

   I can hear you all joining in one voice and telling me...give it time. I have to admit, i have given that advice out lately.  But even when giving out the advice, i also know, time is not always your friend.  What if this submissve can no longer submit, serve or please her Master??????

hugs abby
    


     


     

32 comments:

  1. abby .... ((hugs))....after my hysterectomy, i read i may have no drive. i read i may not get wet as i use too, certain positions will hurt, etc. i told Sir what i read and that i would understand if He wanted to say good bye because i'm defective. His response helped me so much. His response made me want to get out of the what ifs and be what He wanted, as He was all for adjusting positions, lubing more, etc. My point, our minds are powerful. If we allow the "negative" what ifs to influence us, that is how we will feel, think, believe, etc. This isn't about time, this is about overcoming your mind. Do you want to submit? Do you want to be spanked? Do you want those sexual urges back? If so, focus on that, start slowly, and let your Master guide you. Yes, it is going to be like the beginning, because it's been so long. You will have to retrain your mindset. Do you want it retrained? i hope you share this with your Master. ((hugs))

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    1. LOL..I offered Master to say good bye also...He was disappointed that i had so little faith in Him, in Us. You are right,,,it is more mind set than time. Master reads here,,,He offered not to when i first started up the blog....but i thought it would help our communication. Thanks for your comment and thoughts.
      hugs abby

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  2. Abby, this is normal with surgery or trauma or stress, for desire to go away for awhile. But I understand the worry. It's so difficult when we tread an unknown path, and can be scary when we can't see what's ahead!

    The reluctance to share ourselves, every bit, unclothed, is part of most women. It's hard to try and see through their eyes when all we can see of ourselves is the flaws against a backdrop of media beauty, and hear the voices from the past that tell us how we will never measure up to perfection.

    Fact oriented brain knows: no one is physically perfect! :)

    Hugs

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    1. sarah, I know that we are usually harder on ourselves than others are....i guess it is just scary to have all those insecurities return.
      hugs abby

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  3. You won't be abandoned and that's probably your biggest fear. If things never get back to the way they were, you will find a new way and work with that.

    Just get well, enjoy every day, that's what is most important.

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    1. Your response made me think....and Master always says He is in for the long run...it took me a long time to believe Him, but i have come to. You are right....enjoy every day...
      hugs abby

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  4. I have been with my Master 7 years and honestly i still have times that i feel really insecure about being naked in front of him, but sometimes im ok with it, just depends on where my head is at.

    You have had surgery which is a huge thing, its bound to effect you, this is normal.

    Think of this as just another stage in your journey together, change can be scary but try not to torment yourself with what if's, think of the positives you have, believe in your Master and trust in his support.

    x

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    1. tori, you are absolutely right,,,I need to remember that Master always looks you for me...He will support and help me.
      hugs abby

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  5. I think you've gotten some pretty awesome advice, I wish I could give you more. I can however give you my support. Have faith in yourself!!! Everything will work out and, who knows, it could possibly be better this time around.

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    1. Misty; Your support means a lot. And you are right,,,if nothing else, i will certainly appreciate the good times that much more.
      hugs abby

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  6. You are still healing every day...I agree with Leigh...just get better and live life fully.

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    1. Life life fully and enjoy the moments....time to start living what i believe.
      Thanks. hugs abby

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  7. I'll be completely honest, if I were in your shoes I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling the exact same way. And I have no doubt you'd be tell me not to worry. So geeze girl! Give it a minute - this all JUST happened! You're going to get it all back but it won't be next week, or next month. But next October, you'll be writing about how worried you were a year ago and how happy you are to be back to normal. You can do it.

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    1. Elis, thanks for the encouragement. Since i wrote this post, I have started to feel a whole lot better, and i know that...slowly, too slowly....i will get back to being 'me'.
      hugs abby

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  8. Abby,

    I am with you right now. As you know, the naked kneeling is something I still struggle with somewhat and due to our recent ttwd hiatus, it has been quite some time and also since I have been spanked, other than the occasional swat. I too am worried about resuming these things. How I will react, how I will cope with spanking etc.

    I have every confidence we will both get it all back and yes, it will take some time (sorry :) I guess we both need to trust that they will

    I also agree with Sunny. You are still healing. Focus on getting well and enjoying every day.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, I am in good company! And we will both get there....you are right, i am getting better, i need to focus on that.
      hugs abby

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  9. I hope things get better. I'm sure in time you will be back where you want to be submission wise. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs

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    1. angel,,,thanks, I am just getting impatient....
      hugs abby

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  10. "What if this submissive can no longer submit, serve or please her Master??????"
    I've been surprised over time at what pleases Him, sometimes it's the obvious/expected, sometimes it's things i never considered. I think there was and is a certain degree of adapting or learning. Neither of us exactly fits the fantasy image of age or beauty or orgasms all day long. But the more we learn each other, the more we find that pleases us and turns us on about each other. I bet that you please him now, though differently than before, and that as you heal, you will find more and more that you do please and serve him.

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    1. greengirl, i loved your response, and it rings so true, as i look back. Master has started to give me small tasks each day and that seems to be helping.
      hugs abby

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  11. What you and your Master have is so special.
    What you had maybe not coming back, but I am sure that your Master will help you through this. Have confidence, abby ..

    Hugs, my friend.

    Mona Lisa.

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    1. Mona, thanks, i need to believe in Us.....and have more confidence in that...you are right.
      hugs abby

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  12. Okay missy...So...what if you stub your toe and get gangrene and your foot has to be cut off! Good gravy woman...give yourself a break...you are just recovering from quite an ordeal and of a necessity, had to focus on only yourself rather than your Master.

    Bottom line...you are a submissive so sooner or later, your desire will return. I would suggest you ask your Master if he each day he could give you one simple submissive task to complete...just to get your mind back to focusing on pleasing him. Just a suggestion... ;)

    Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts your way.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Cat, first thanks for the prayers and energy and thoughts. Master has started giving me a small task each day....and calling me on it....and it has helped.
      hugs abby

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  13. Your Master will guide you back. He will know when you're ready. In the meantime don't fret. Big hugs and healing thoughts.
    DF

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    1. DF, Thanks...you are right, He got me where i was,,,,and He will get me where i need to be.
      hugs abby

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  14. abby--seven weeks is really not a long time. I've read that it can take our bodies 6 months to be rid of the after affects of anesthesia...then there's all the healing inside. After my hysterectomy, I don't think I was "normal" again for 8 or 9 months. Going to the bathroom was agony for months, there were issues with my scar, as well as a second surgery a year later because my endo had regrown in some areas despite losing all my girly bits. It was so physically draining, and at 33 I was in my prime. You know i broke my ankle this spring...6 months ago...and sometimes it still bothers me, swelling or aching if I've been on it too much...not as much as even 6 weeks ago, but still. My point isn't a soliloquy on my health, but a reminder that these things take time. Some day you'll read something (hopefully that I wrote, :) ) and you'll get the *strangest* feeling and say...oh whoa...I thought that sucker was dead!

    It's not only amazing to feel that feeling again--it's wonderful. You will get there. I promise.

    I could be naughty and suggest you might need to consider a switching of teams. Maybe you need some nasty girl talk to get you going. :) But your still healing so we won't mention that yet.

    Or tentacles.

    No, we definitely won't mention those nasty things, will we? You won't want to read about one twinging around your ankle, and tickling at the crotch of your panties, it's tip all wet and lubricated and ready for mischief. Why, some of those nasty creatures have such finely attenuated tips that they can squeeze your clit and make you all kinds of turned on.

    Oh, but we won't talk about that, will we.

    Go heal. Take up knitting. And don't think about tentacles. Please. :)

    Love,

    nilla

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  15. dear nilla, I have not thought about tentacles in a long time...but now...well you know...they have wrapped themselves around my little brain. I amy have to spend more time at your site. Patience has never been one of my virtues, but i am trying.
    hugs abby

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  16. dear nilla, I have not thought about tentacles in a long time...but now...well you know...they have wrapped themselves around my little brain. I amy have to spend more time at your site. Patience has never been one of my virtues, but i am trying.
    hugs abby

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  17. dear nilla, I have not thought about tentacles in a long time...but now...well you know...they have wrapped themselves around my little brain. I amy have to spend more time at your site. Patience has never been one of my virtues, but i am trying.
    hugs abby

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  18. And i'm late to the party here, barely even keeping up with reading blogs these days. i can really understand your anxiety, having some of my own along similar lines.

    i know if i start talking about how i'm not sure i'm going to get my submissive groove back and wondering what will i do then, you're going to tell me not to worry, to be patient with myself, to trust my Sir to lead me. Right?

    Ok, good, so now i don't even have to say anything.

    hugs,

    sofia

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  19. sofia...LOL....don't you hit it when your own advice comes back to bite you.....even when it is good advice?? Thanks!
    hugs abby

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