*****This post is brought to you courtesy of our friend Cat. I am using my new notebook and it would not let me post....she came to my rescue...Thanks!I
I have always considered myself a fact oriented person. Look at the facts and draw a logical conclusion. Granted, not always the right conclusion, but one based on fact. As i have grown older, i have really tried to train myself to live 'in the moment'. I tell my kids...'don't buy trouble, chances are it can find you'. It's been 7 weeks since my last surgery, a long time to have to sit around and recover, time to let past demons reappear, time to let my mind wander to the dreaded land of 'what ifs'.
It has been 7 weeks....and counting...since i have knelt, naked for Master. Way back when we were first starting our journey, i remember telling Him....'i don't do naked'. (you can all stop laughing now). At the time i meant it. I was much heavier than i am now, i had been often reminded of how un-sexy i was, and i could not imagine anyone wanting to see me naked, let alone my allowing it to happen. It took a while, but Master got me there, then to the point where i did not even try to cover up with my hands, and finally where i was actually comfortable with be naked for Him. Well, it's been 7 weeks and...i had a 12 incision which left a scar. He has seen it, he asked to, i refused, He asked again, sat back and gave that look...the one that says, i can sit here all day and wait....so He has seen the scar. But i am no spring chicken, and all my insecurities have returned along with the 'what ifs'.
It has been 7 weeks ..and counting....since i have been spanked, with the exception of some gentle taps on my pajama clad bottom. I know my tolerance will be very low, what it does not return, what if i cannot stay in place, what if i cannot 'take' a hard spanking or hard play, what if i disappoint Him?
It has been 7 weeks ...and counting...since i have cum for Him. Truthfully, the scarier part, since i have had any desire at all. I used to read your blogs or stories and have to ask for permission, i am still reading and enjoying, but not an inkling of needy a permission. Whenever i would get embarrassed at how quickly i would get wet and ready, or need a permission, Master tells me ...that is the best compliment i can give Him. What if, i can no longer give it to Him.
I can hear you all joining in one voice and telling me...give it time. I have to admit, i have given that advice out lately. But even when giving out the advice, i also know, time is not always your friend. What if this submissve can no longer submit, serve or please her Master??????