Fiona asks...is this my first D/s or M/s relationship?
Yes it is.....not that many years ago I would have laughed til I cried if anyone had ever suggested I would be happy in such a relationship.
She also asks...When did I become aware of my submissive side?
Aware that I would be able to call myself a submissive, not that long ago, less than 10 years.
I grew up in the age of feminism...the goal for many was to be a woman who could do it all, and I bought into it. I was the first one of my generation in my family (a huge family of cousins) to leave our small home town and attend college. I was determined to be an in charge of my life, successful person. Mostly, I succeeded pretty well.
I was in charge at home, raising 3 children...all born with 4 years...paying the bills, making most of the important decisions. When I returned to work, I was in charge of a junior high classroom, my opening day welcome, always started with....this room in not a democracy!
I was...still am...a go-to person for many...and I thrived and mostly was happy.
Then my baby was away at school, I became less busy and felt 'something' was missing. I was having fantasies about spanking....not about submission...just about spanking, I did not associate the two. I typed the word in a search engine, and spent a LOT of time reading.
I joined a site and chatted with a few gentlemen, one of whom became a regular..not Master.
He would write stories for me, and discuss the spanking scene, giving me advice. One day, He referred to me as a submissive, I quickly told him how wrong he was....he replied...you just have not met the right person .....yet.
When I met Master it was with spanking, not submission in mind. For me , it was more of a Top/Bottom relationship. Then He offered to help me on my trying to lose weight....that was a time of mostly punishments, and lots of basement visits. Then one day, it finally dawned on me, my thinking was wrong....this Man who had still not given up on me, who was reliable and trust worthy, who said what he meant, and meant what he said, ..i should be trying to please Him, not just avoiding His punishments. It was kind of a light bulb moment.
We started to play more, not always punish, and one day He said something to me about being submissive, and I did not run. We talked about it, about what the word meant to both of us, and we started our M/s journey. It was one step at a time, some detours, lots of learning ....but also I felt like I had found a place where I belonged.