Thursday, January 17, 2013
A disclaimer..this is me, trying to sort out some feelings, some questions i keep asking myself....not very sexy, or entertaining...continue at your own risk.
It should be such an easy task...asking for what you need...why is it so darn hard??
Master has decided that this is the year that i learn to ask for what i feel i need... seems simple enough...I taught English for many years...an interrogative sentence...why oh why is it not that simple?
A few weeks ago, Master sent me a text giving me a task to do for Him...something He occasionally will do, especially if vanilla life seems to be interfering more than usual. I can't remember what it was, but i completed it, let Him know, and thanked Him, saying it was just what I needed. His question...then why did you not ask for a task? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I was told...when you feel you need a task...for whatever reason...ask for one.
I have asked twice since then. The first time, He replied quickly with the task....use my bottom toy while i am kneeling for 20 minutes....The next time His reply was, I will give you one later. He did, sucking on my large toy, and then using it to cum. So, I have taken a few baby steps.
A week ago, as i was leaving from maintenance, Master said....a girl could as for an extra spanking during the week , if she felt she needed it to help her meet her goal. I thought about it on Wednesday, but decided that i was close to my goal, so did not. This past Monday, Master says the same thing as i am leaving. Wednesday morning my good morning text to Master was.....i seem to eat less when i have to sit on a sore bottom...can You help me with that?
His quick reply was...I can and I will. He did...He let me know that getting that text from me, was a great way for Him to start His day. He would love more of those.
Master started by asking if i had asked for the spanking to help with my goal, or because i thought it would please Him. I answered honestly...some of both, since i had a lunch date today. He repeated that it did please Him, and if it helped me...kind of a win/win. Master used a paddle, over clothing, then over panties, then on the bare. It was fairly quick, with a little rubbing, close to the intensity of a maintenance. Wednesday night, my bottom was throbbing....
We also talked about me asking for whatever it is i need...hugs, spanks, orgasms, help with the car..whatever. Easy request...but not for me.
Why...it does not put me in charge...i am asking not demanding....or wanting...neither of which would get me very far. I understand that.
It does bring up feelings of neediness, but for the most part, i think i have made peace with those, needing Him, is just what i do. I think it helps me be a better submissive, He encourages it, and He sees it as just a part of me, of Us.
Laying in bed this morning, I wondered if maybe it is because it makes me feel more vulnerable...i say ..and i feel i do trust Him more than i have ever trusted anyone else. Being more open and vulnerable by asking, is a part of that trust. Maybe it is time to walk the walk more.
I remember few years back, when i was struggling with that 'neediness' feeling. I asked Master..."how much is too much"...His reply...there is no too much, and if there was, i was not even close...maybe it is time to trust that answer.
Maybe i need to start using more of these ???????