Tuesday, January 31, 2012

finally...settled

I have been unsettled all week. I started to post a couple times, but just could not decide what to say, how to say it, why I was feeling this way. I think it was a combination of a lot of things....

Master has been extremely busy...(He takes on too much, but that is Him, and how He always will be)....and had to be out of town for a couple days for work. I had plans to be away with a friend for some gambling, and it just has been one of those times when vanilla life really interferes with D/s. I have felt so unsettled and uneasy, I was pleased when Master returned early today, so we could have some time.

I knew He was not happy with me. One of my rules, in fact my very first rule, was to send a daily report. I will admit, they have been a little haphazard lately, but nothing was said....and I did not send one at all for the past 4 days. I did get an email asking if I had broken my hands. So I was not sure what Master had planned.

We started with hugs and catching up with any news. I was then told to get naked and kneeling, He sat on the sofa in front of me. He asked where my head has been....I said I have been a little unsettled. He said ...rebellious might be a better word. I have never considered myself rebellious, and was shocked. I tried to explain about hormones and voices and....Of course He was not buying it. We talked a little more about if I was testing, I wasn't. I know what happens when I test Him, I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago.

I was told to get over His lap. I was relieved to be in that position, I could feel the coolness of wood. He asked if I was surprised to be in this position, I admitted that I was relieved and happy to be over His lap, even with Him holding a paddle. He then started in with it, I said I was also hoping for a warm up..He said this was it. I got a couple rounds with the paddle, then we chatted some more. He said I had been disobedient, and I could not argue. The word shocked me, and I realized I had been...with no good excuse. I immediately was ashamed and felt the tears. Master tucked me in and said 12 more hard ones, and we are done with this punishment. When He finished we talked some more, about how displeasing Him makes me feel, and that we are pass any testing or disobedience over such a long standing rule. He makes the rules He decides if they are no longer needed.

As we were chatting His fingers were roaming and rubbing and getting me very wet. Master then asked if I had kept up with my exercise over this past week. Silence....then a quiet...not quite. How many days did I miss....2. He picked up the paddle and gave me 10 more hard ones for the first day, and 20 more for the second day....He reminded me the rule is at least 30 minutes 5 days a week.

Master then went back to letting His hands get me panting and squirming....I was shaking with need before He finally gave me permissions to cum. He told me that neither of these spankings count as maintenance, we will get to that tomorrow. I am leaving on Thursday to go see my 3 year old grandaughter and her 7 month old brother for a long weekend.

Master then had me kneel and think about what we had discussed while He worked on finishing a small project. I was told to clear my mind of anything else. I did and found myself relaxing and being settled.

I am His submissive, this journey with Master has been so much more than I ever dreamed possible. Disappointing Him is what unsettles me....After I helped Him with a small project..and got my first lesson in electrical work....we hugged...and I told Him I was very sorry. He told me I was forgiven, it was done, we are back on track.

hugs abby

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I may be having a change of heart.....

My weigh in on Monday was...stay the same. Not bad for a weekend and not a gain. I was pleased, Master was satisfied...barely.

When we talked Monday I asked if we could return to M&M day...maintenance Monday. He said certainly. (I did it, I asked, and I got maintenance scheduled...and it was not all that hard.) As usual, we started with some kneeling time, or as Master calls it...tuning everything but Us out time. It was not long before Master was assaulting my nipples, He seems to be especially interested in them lately. Then it was over His knee for a....chat. (LOL)

He started by complementing me that I had not crossed my ankles. I am more aware of trying to not cross them. Then as He was tapping the paddle on my thighs we started to discuss...exercise...or the lack of it lately. I got side tracked over the holidays and just have not been able to talk myself back into the routine. Master has decided to help me with that. As He continued to tap, He started to ask when I would start again...the longer it took for me to answer, the more He tapped. "We" finally decided I was to start today, for at least 30 minutes. ( I did...33 minutes). He said every day, but I am hoping He meant 5 days a week. I will have to check to check on that.

Once that was settled, it was spanking time. He started with a couple sets, of moderately hard spanks with His little paddle. He always asks me why we have maintenance and wants me to voice that it is to remind me of my submission, and to help avert any major punishment. He then says, last round will be slow and hard, He wants each one to set in. He rarely spanks me slowly, it was interesting. He would wait between each swat, rubbing the paddle lifting it, and waiting some more. They were definately much much harder. I was never sure when they were coming, I think as soon as I relaxed a little was His signal...now! It look a while to get all of the last 10 done.

Master then told me to straddle him, facing Him. He laughed and said, I see your wheels turning...what is He up to now? I was given a very long lesson in the pleasures of nipple play....using tongue, mouth, and even teeth. When He finished with one breast, I could feel my wetness, as He started on the second one, He asked if I ever thought I could cum just from breast play...uh..no. By the time He finished I was so ready...so I may be having a change of heart about breast play.

I was then turned around, straddling Him, but facing out....was told to keep my hands behind me, while He brought me to the edge. I did start to move my hands, to maybe help out a little, but was soon told to put them back. By the time I was hearing that I had permission, I was reading to explode...and I did. I was not quiet, but oh....when one is exploding it is hard to be quiet. Master sure knows how to encourage me to keep my good girl streak going...lol.

I want to follow up on PK's blog entry about reading other blogs and commenting. I do not have a blog roll, I have tried, but I am so computer illeterate it never seems to work for me. There are so many wonderful blogs out there, and it seems more every week. I read all types, I think it is interesting to see our differences, but even nicer to see how we are all alike. There are a few that I visit regularly and others that I get to as often as possible. If I hear of a newcomer I try to visit and comment, I know that a welcome is encouraging.

I do read a lot more than I comment. I feel bad that I don't comment on everyone that I read, but there is only so much time. If a topic cathes my eye, if I feel I have something to add, if I have time, I comment. I do reply to all who are kind enough to comment on my blog, it is nice to feel we are conversing.

I do travel...to visit family quite a bit. There are times when I am absent for a couple weeks. During that time I read, but usually do not post or comment.

Thank you all for reading and to those of you that stop to comment thank you twice! I feel I have learned a lot, and met some wonderful cyber friends!

hugs abby

Sunday, January 22, 2012

a jumble of thoughts

I have been thinking about what to write for 3 days. It's not that I could not think of anything, it's that I have too many thoughts swirling around in my head. I finally decided to just start writing and see where I end up.

Last week was very busy. our MM (maintenance Monday) did not happen until Friday. When we first started maintenance Master decided that I was "in charge" of making it happen every week. It took me a while to accept that, and Master helped by reminding me and asking me the right questions. Although I am never totally comfortable being the one that "makes it happen" I did get used to it. ( Master's reasoning is that I need to learn to ask for what I need....there's another post!) Lately I have been struggling with it. Master has nudged me, and helped. Last week when I mentioned maintenance on Wed. Master replied that mentioning it did not constitute making it happen. I know, in my head, that I am not really in charge when I make maintenance happen...I am doing what Master wants me to do. It is still difficult and I struggle with it.

Back to last Friday, we started with kneeling time, Master paying lots of attention to my breast. I know many of you love breast play. I am getting more used to it, but it takes a lot of concentrating and breathing. Master then had me get over His knee for a wonderful hand warm-up. Before the spanking starts I get a hard slap on a thigh. I look up and say what? He is pointing to my crossed ankles. Last week I was allowed a pillow between them to keep them apart..no more pillow. I quickly uncrossed them, and Master said the count goes up next time. Then I relaxed into a wonderfully long hand spanking.

Master then asked if I wasnted maintenance before or after some more enjoyable activities. Knowing how mellow I am after I chose before. I stood and leaned over the ottoman and felt cool wood on my bottom. After a couple sets, Master tells me to count...quickly...and thank Him after each one and we will be finished with maintenance. I get to 7 before I hesitate, the next three I ask for quickly. Then it is on to more pleasant activities. Master has been using, and having me use the large toy He bought me different ways. It has been interesting, and challenging.

For a long time I have had to do a task for Master. We started with anything I chose, and it could be only a few minutes. some of the things have done include kneeling time, corner time (rarely), written stories, sent Him interesting pictures, and when I am feeling a little lost, laying in bed time.
A while ago Master decided that the "task" was to be at least 5 minutes, and laying in bed....really was not on the approved list...lol..what a surprise. Last week Master started assigning me new tasks...guess He was bored with my repetition. He did not like the word task...thinks it has a negative concept...He tried assignment, but to a long time teacher, that means work. I like to think of it as spending time pleasing my Master.

Over at "Finding Sara"....(sorry I don't know how to link)...there was an interesting discussion this week on the "Dilemna of Need". When I was pondering what to write about, the feeling of neediness was high on my list. I have struggled with it the past couple weeks, and have been trying to decide if the feeling has more to do with want than need. It's an interesting discussion, and once again helped me to realize I am not alone or unique in my various feelings. Many of us seem to have trouble with asking for what we need.

Have a good week all,
hugs,
abby

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

re-connected!

It had been over a week since my last spanking, not too long ago I never thought I would ever say that. Now, a week is a long time. As Master said, life has a way of taking over. My back was hurting, He is really busy at work, I had to help a friend unexpectedly yesterday, etc....you all know, life!

This afternoon was finally "our" time. As I was kneeling and naked, He remarked, your head is not in the right place. Master is a great believer that submission is in large part head space..it starts there. I agree, only those voices...the ones PK gives names to....sometimes take up too much room. He was really giving my nipples a work-out, and I was having a difficult time settling in to it. Which made for an extra long nipple session...He is not one to give up or let me off the hook. I was finally relaxing a little and more accepting.

I am then told to lean over the ottoman, legs spread, bottom out. He asks if I know what this spanking is about. I say, for a mere 1/2 pound. He corrects me, I am 1/2 pound above my wriggle room, but 2 and 1/2 above my goal, I need to get back to my goal. He is also tired of this up one week and down the next. He s rubbing my bottom and asks again, what are we addressing? I hedge a little, but finally agree that I am more than 2 pounds above my goal. He says He wants some of that gone by Friday, and if I gain any next week, my rules will change...not for my benefit. I sort of want to ask how, but know better. He has me stay in position , while He goes to choose His toy for the day.

He returns with a cane. He is giving me sets of 6, then switching sides. I am not settled, and flexing my legs, and moving. He warns me to stay in position. I manage to heed His warning, and He is more pleased with the next set. I get a few more sets, and He asks what I need to do. I say get back to my original goal, no gaining. He asks if He should put the cane away I say, yes please, Sir. He asks if I am sure, I am. (One of these days, I might just shock Him and say, no, more please.)

He tells me to stay in position, while He puts it away, and returns to rub and probe and see if any part of me enjoyed my caning. He chuckles and says...pain slut. It is the first time He has called me a pain slut. I don't really consider myself one, compared to lots of others, I feel I am a real wimp. But I was wet and ready.

Master has me kneel between His legs, and we enjoy more submissive activity. I was introduced to oral sex late in life, and was never inclined to think it would be something I would care for...or enjoy. Guess one can teach an old "dog"...or sub...new tricks. Master then has me climb into his lap facing Him, and tells me I need to make myself cum, in that position. It takes me a while to even find a position where that is even remotely possible, and after lots of attempts, I find a rhythm that seems to work. Master is giving me permission, and I am off, and spent. I lean into Him, and we are molded together for a while.

He then tells me to get over His lap, so He can rub my bottom. I am like jello and it feels so good. We chat and Master says He was surprised by and pleased by my entry on Spanking Olympics. I know He reads here, we don't discuss all of my entries. He said it seemed like a change for me. I said, I don't share all of my weird thoughts...He thinks I should. Anyway, He said, I should invite any of you out there who would like to take part in a cyber Olympics. We could set up a challenge or event, and report.

Our time is over...my head is back to where it needs to be. My bottom is sore, but not throbbing, so I am a happy sub, and a very lucky one , also.

abby

Saturday, January 14, 2012

booorrrriiinnnggg!

No spanking or fun news, but I decided to post anyway..

I am having trouble posting on a few of your blogs, all I get is a white page. Some are working fine. Most of you know how computer illiterate I am, so any help would be appreciated.

I am sitting on some heat, but not from my bottom. I pulled something in my back last Wednesday. It has happened before, but this time instead of taking it easy, I decided to try and walk it away. Do no try this approach. It is feeling like it is getting better today, more stiff than sore, and the heat..and pain killers...are helping. Last night I actually could roll over and not catch my breath. Hopefully I will be good as new...err old...soon.

Winter has arrived here. It is about 6 weeks later than usual, and could have stayed away permamently. I have always lived where there are 4 distinct seasons, and love to see the change. As I get older I think winter is great...on Christmas day!

Otherwise, boring is the word. Hope you are all having a much more interesting weekend that I can read about!

hugs, abby

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

spanking Olympics??

This morning I awoke early and could not get back to sleep. As my mind wondered, it went to places that left my grinning, and thinking good thing noone can read my mind. This is a silly post, sharing my eaarly morning mind wanderings.

I quickly realized that my bottom was still sore. I figured that it was 5 days in a row with a sore bottom, a record for me! Then I thought, that probably would not even win me a bronze medal in the spanking Olympics. I love the Ollympics and spanking is right up there also. so...

I decided Olympic was a loft goal, so I started thinking of a weekend of spanking games, where any and all interested were invited. There would be winners in each of the different categories. Lots of spanking, so in the "end" all would be winners.

I started to design the events or games.

1. Most spanks on a bottom in a timed period. First round is hand spanking for 5 minutes, the lowest count is eliminated. Second round is with a leather paddle, same elimination. Third round, is with a hair brush for 10 minutes, highest count wins. Any spankee getting out of position is eliminated.

2. Planning a spanking themed meal. Ideas could be...roast "rump" of beef....whipped pototoes....red bottom cake. There would be voting on the suggested menus.

3. Contest to see who can hold positions the longest.

4. After a whipping, who has the best design on their back?

5. Best idea for homemade spanking toys.

It was time for me to get up and start my day...I may think on this more...I bet all of you have even better ideas for events.

hugs...abby

Monday, January 9, 2012

MM's are back

...as in maintenance Mondays!

I lost almost a pound over the weekend, so I am back to my safe, wriggle room. In the past I have not done well with maintaining, but I seem to have learned how to not go crazy and be reasonable. Finally!

Master had mentioned that we needed to get back to early week maintenance, so it was put on the schedule for today. I was a little concerned, my bottom was still tender this morning, not sore, but tender to the touch and occasionally when sitting. I cannot remember the last time I could still feel a spanking 3 days later....the tenderness is a kind of nice reminder, I will admit.

Our meeting started with some naked kneeling time. Master was concentrating on my breasts, and they also seemed extra sensative. He persisted, finally announcing that His goal this year would be to increase the amount of 'breast torture'...hmm certainly not one of my goals. Maybe learning to enjoy it more, should be, though.

Master then told me to lean over the ottoman, bottom out, legs spread. I hesitated, for only a bit. I was not being hesitant or rebellious, I was just givng myself a little pep talk. "No hesitation", I hear, "in position". One of my goals this year will be to not have to give myself a little pep talk. Not think about it, just do it.

As always, Master asks why we have maintenance and reminds me that He considers it a deterrant. I feel a large cold piece of wood, groan inwardly. He is rubbing my bottom and realizes I am still a little sore from Friday, this will be short, but not easy. He tells me to count and thank him after each one...not one of my favorite things to hear. He starts in hard, I get the words out after the first one, I wait a little too long after the second and am told to not hesitate. He wants quick strokes, which makes it harder for me. After 5, He stops a bit, to talk about maintenance then asks where we are up to...I remembered 6. After the 6th one He asks how many more do I expect, I reply 4 more, He chuckles and says you think you know me well. I think quietly, please let me be right.
The 7th one is unexpected, and I get out of position. "That one does not count, you know better, I expect you to stay in the position I put you it".
I get back and we are finally at 10...and He says the end. He is rubbing ans asking if I think it was enough...I am positive you can all guess my asnwer.

I am then invited over His lap, for some other fun activities. I am so ready, it does not take me long to be waiting to hear...cum for your Master, again, and again. Some snuggling and feeling safe time, some chattting , and I am back to kneeling. Master comments that since it is a new year, maybe we should add a rule or task to my submission. I am anxious to hear what He is thinking.

Hugs, abby

Friday, January 6, 2012

2 cures for the "blahs"!

I have had a very 'blahish' week, not caring about much. Still feeling very much unsettled, and not sure why. Turning within myself, running in the wrong direction, and knowing it wasn't helping. Communicating with Master mostly through text messaging and voice mail, skipping a report, trying to hide my unease from Him. I even asked in a voice mail if Maintenance was going to continue this year, or if it had expired!

I stayed the same this week, meaning I was still 1/2 pound above my "wriggle room", the 1/2 pound Master had said He wanted off. When I weighed myself, I thought...only 1/2 pound, He could think it doesn't matter. (Yes I was that far gone).

His reply text when I sent my weigh in....I have found the bath brush, you will not want to sit all weekend. Guess that 1/2 pound mattered, and I had a few hours to think about that darn bath brush.

When we met, He asked me twice what was wrong, and twice I replied nothing. He wasn't buying it, asked if I was upset with Him or me...mostly me was my reply. As usual, I was told to be naked and kneeling and in position. He was pulling my hair, as He talked to me, letting me know that I had disappointed Him. That He knew I was not happy, but that making Him happy would resolve that. He said He thought about what punishment to settle on and decided a very long seesion over His knee with the bath brush was ahead of me.

I went over His lap. He reminded me that it was past the first of the year, so any ankle crossing would be punished and asked me what that would be. "Spanking on my thighs, Sir," Since this was going to be a long session He offered to put a pillow between my legs, as a gentle reminded, I was happy to accept. He started off with the bath brush, fairly lightly, with a long set, would stop for a quick rub, another harder long set, rub, another harder long set. I am not sure how many sets, but it was quite a few. Finally He stops and starts to talk.

He asks if I am realizing that this is not going to be a fast hard spanking. I am! He says, his intent is that I will feel this all weekend, as a reminder, that I am His, all of me. He then asked me what He expected of me. I shook my head in a no...trying to get my thoughts straight, and He laughed and said no?? I explained I was searching for an answer...and replied, whatever He wants from me. He then suggested I be more specific, so we went over my list of rules and expectations. I used to hate talking to Him when I was over His lap, but I now realize that in some ways it is easier for me to be more open with Him then. We went over the rules, and He asked if I would rather He "micromanaged" me more. Meaning, although I have to ask for permissions to go places, I almost never get a no, He does not suggest menus, or how I should exercise. I thought about it, there was a time when that would have been tempting. But, I am sure in a short amount of time, I would be struggling. Also, I do not ask for permission for anything I do not want or want to do, so to have Him say no simply because He can, would be difficult for me. A day or two of total control would be a great fantasy, but not for real life.

I asked if He was done with the paddling, He wasn't and He let me know the hardest were yet to come. He tucked me in, and made His point. It was a long and very hard paddling, He would do a set, give me a quick rub, and just as I was catching my breath, start in again. I stayed in place for most of it, concentrating on breathing, but it was too much and I was squirming and owing loudly before He finished. Yes all of that for 1/2 pound gain, but also to help me find my way back...and stay there.

He started to roam and 'check' out my wetness. Part of you enjoyed this a little, He remarked. He continued and as I started to whimper and squirm, I heard a stern warning, don't you dare cum...self control young lady. After a couple minutes I asked Him to please stop, and after another minute or so He kindly did stop.

He had me kneel between His legs while we talked. He asked if that was the worse spanking He ever gave me. No it was not, basement visits are the worse. He reminded me of the cane and His large paddles. He also asked if I remembered what His theory was if He had to spank me twice in a row for the same reason. I nodded, and said....that He needs to 'up the ante' since He did not do a good enough job the first time. Did I have doubts about what would happen if I gave a report on Monday and I still had not lost that 1/2 pound...I had/have no doubts.

We then stood and were hugging and He brought up maintenance. He asked if He needed to give me a maintenance spanking today. I replied, no Sir, I am all set. He looked me in the eyes and said wrong answer. Maintenance is a weekly occurence, no matter what else happens, no matter what other spankings occur, maintenance still happens. In fact, He added, maybe this year it should be a twice a week event. I looked at Him speechless, do You doubt I will do whatever it takes? No Sir, was my quick reply. So I was told to lean over the ottoman, He had worn His new belt that was a Christmas gift, since He wanted to test it out. He started out with it doubled, and to be honest, it felt pretty good. I think part of my bottom was numb, and He was not swinging very hard. He quickly caught on , and said I seemed to be enjoying this. So He undoubled and swung a little harder, it still was not harsh, but He was making His point. I soon heard, 10 more hard ones, and it was over. My blahs were gone, I once again felt safe and controlled in a caring way, I knew I had "me" back.

I got home to a voice message from my 3 year old granddaughter. She was excited, so she was talking fast. I had to listen 3 times to get the full gist of what she was saying. She had realized the "Red", her favorite fraggle rock stuffed animal, she calls him her baby, did not have a middle name. She had a middle name, so does her baby brother. So she asked her mom, who told her to pick a middle name. She asked how to do that, and my daugher told her, people usually think about people they know and like and choose one of their names. After thinking about it in her room, she announced that Red's middle name would be the same as grandma's. What an honor! She called to tell me the good news, and to tell me that made me a great-grandma....LOL! Feeling older but Blahs really gone!

Yes, my bottom is still sore as I sit here, I imagine it will be one of those nights when I think of Master every time I roll over!

hugs, abby

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Why is it sometimes so hard?

I finally slept well last night and woke up feeling much better this morning. I was pleased and somewhat unsettled. I have been away for a couple weeks, and then sick, and even before I left I was feeling very unsettled...for no particular reason just a general feeling. I kept trying to reach "me", the "me" that Master helped me to find, the "me" that usually keeps me sane, the "me" that has become a more open, trusting, sexual person...but that "me" seemed to be pretty elusive.

So I left, feeling a little lost before I left. No, I did not mention my feelings to Master, it was the holidays, we were both crazy busy, and I was not really sure why I was feeling so lost.

When I leave Master always reminds me to use my tool box. He is telling me to continue with my routines, to text, to call, to send reports, to ask for permissions, as often as I need to...to prevent any disconnect. On this trip my tool box pretty much remained unopened. We kept in contact with texts, but everything else pretty much went by the wayside. I was missing Him like crazy, and knew I was running away, not toward Him, but my "voices" were in full force, and I just kept going in the wrong direction. I finally convinced myself that Master deserved better ( He does )...and maybe I should just tell Him to find a prettier, skinnier, sexier, better all around submissive. Yeah..I was headed someplace I have not been in a while.

So, I got home, got sick, we talked about the holidays and family.
This morning when I sent my text I told Him to stay warm...it is FREEZING were....His reply was that He would be warming my bottom today.

I got to Master's we hugged, I went to check on His new project. He suggested I go and get naked and kneeling. He did ask what happened to my tool box while I was away. I did get naked and kneeling, but was not in the proper position when He walked in. He stopped, told me to put my hands where they belonged, and waited for the yes Sir....it did come out, but not immediately. He came over to claim my body, and talked quietly and calmly, to get my head back where it belonged, as He put it.

He finally told me to get up and put my hands on the ottoman, and my bottom up and out. He was not punishing me for gaining 1 1/2 pounds, even though that put me 1/2 pound above my wriggle room, but He was going to paddle me for His enjoyment. I felt the cold of wood and I looked up, as I felt the frist smack...it hurt, no warm up, almost 3 weeks since my last spanking, and a large piece of wood. After the 3rd one I moved out of position, was warned that would mean extras and bent back down. I hear Him telling me to relax and accept, I so want to say...hand me the wood and You relax...but I don't.

He continues to paddle, but in sets of 3, with rubbing after each set, I do recoginize this as a concession on His part. I hear 10 harder ones, and I manage to stay in place and breathe through them. He is pleased, after a rub, I am told last set, still harder, and I do get through it. He tells me those last ones were much harder than the first ones that I could not stand still for, I was finally getting my head in the right place.

I was then invited over His lap, for a hand spanking and more rubbing. We chatted a little about His expectations, and I did say to Him, You deserve better. His immediate reply was, then You should be better, because He is staying put. He reminds me it has been close to 10 years, I should be confident that He is hanging around and going no place. He also reassures me that He is pleased with my submission , my weight loss, my service to Him. I am finally relaxing and feeling like I am once again where I belong. We move on to more enjoyable activities, it has been way tooo long between permissions...my fault, I know.

So, as I sit here on a sore bottom, I once again realize how lucky I am. Master, My Master, knows "me" so well. He knows when to control, and when to encourage, when to scold and when to talk softly, and most importantly....how to help me find "me". I am also asking....why do I do this to myself, why do I sometimes make it so hard? Hopefully, I will remember today and not got down that road anytime soon.

hugs, abby