Tuesday, October 25, 2011

intense, emotional, and...needed

My title sums up my afternoon. I sent in a report yesterday that I had gained 1 pound. I knew Master would not be pleased. I had a funeral in the morning, and spent my afternoon at DMV getting a new license, since I had discovered I lost mine.

By this morning, I had allowed my "voices" to invade and take over. I was questioning myself, Master, my submission. I did not send Master my good morning message, nor did I make my lunch time call. I even toyed with going shopping this morning without permission, but I could not bring myself to go that far. Master sent me a text, asking about my day, I barely replied. He said He would see me this afternoon, and instead of my Yes Sir, I replied ok. I was sinking fast.

When I got to Master's He gave me a look....and I melted. I said I owe You an apology as I sat down. He nodded, but said, there is a better place for you to be when you do that. I knelt at His feet, and apologized ...for all of it. Did not offer any excuses, just said I was sorry. Master said I had saved myself a trip to the basement, but I was still going to be punished.

"Run to me, not away from me", He said. He first spoke those words to me many years ago. For a while I could not figure out what He meant, I never physically ran away. But I did have all those walls that I retreated behind, and closed myself off. When I heard those words again, I realized I had just taken a big step into the past....and was even more sorry.

Master had me get up in the seat of an easy chair, and bend over the back so that my bottom was high and presented. Master used a strap, started hard and fast, and ended harder and faster, all over my bottom and some on my thighs. All the while reminding me what an expert scolder He is, telling me He does not fail, so I do not fail. He will do whatever is necessary to get me to the agreed goal, having me get permission before I eat anything, limiting my computer time (EEK!), tying me to a treadmill and paddling me...which has been done when we first started on this journey. I do not know how Master breathes when He scolds, since He never stops for breath. He let it be known that if I had another gain on Friday, the strapping would be doubled, and there would be more restrictions.

I love leather, but being punished by a determined Master is enough to make me re-think that love. My bottom was burning and welted. Master finally asked if I ahd been punished enough... after my Yes Sir, He rached around and started to play and tease and get me wet. When I started panting and wriggling He stopped. No permission to cum, this afternoon and tonite, maybe tomorrow, maybe longer. He sat down and I got up and went back to kneel by His feet. He smiled and said "good girl", my world was being put right again.

Master then reminded me that our agreement is I get to minus 70 by Thanksgiving, He is holding me to it, and I just made it more difficult. My food and exercise choices need to get better, and less of one and more of the other. He reminded me that once the goal is reach, we take a break and I get to decide if I want to continue.

He then told me to get closer and lay my head in His lap. As He was rubbing my back and my head, the tears finally came. MY walls were crumbling a little more. When I first met Master, I was just looking for a spanking or two. In fact, I was pretty convinced that every spanking would be my last, He would get smart and find someone younger, prettier, and definately sexier. He would tell me He wasn't going anyplace, I would nod, and think for now. When we started down the M/s road, I was a little more sure of "Us", but in the back of my mind always wondered if when the day came that I said I am happy with my weight, no more dieting, would He say fine, my job is done, good-bye.

Master has always reassured me that He is not going anyplace, that He has found what He was looking for. It has been almost 9 years now, and my trust has grown to a place I never imagined. Today, Master thanked me for giving Him the gift of "me", a gift He treasures and would never throw away or not cherish. I think He finally got through to me.

So, as I sit here on a sore bottom and thighs, I am content, I am at peace, I am His....His submissive, I am so lucky!



  1. So beautiful Abby, thank you for sharing.

  2. It's lovely to hear your Master adores you. You are both blessed.

    Take care. Sky

  3. Abby, that downward spiral happens to all of us at times, and yes, if you can catch yourself soon enough to go to him rather than pull away, it's so helpful. But sometimes, we're just too far gone, right? It can happen so quickly! I'm glad you're feeling safe, back where you belong! Do you think some little part of you, even just unconsciously, worries about what will be left when the weight goal is 100% achieved? I know sometimes even when I know something rationally in my head, my emotions are not always in sink and I can feel fear and anxiety. Sara

  4. SBF....thanks, sometimes a punishment becomes much more! abby

    Sky....We both recognize how lucky we are, and it has carried us through a few rough spots.

    sara...I wish we could have coffee sometime, you are so perceptive, and right on! Master has said many times, it is all about my submission, not the diet, but sometimes, I just have to wonder.