One of the things that i was unprepared for when i started on this journey was the feeling of neediness that seemed to overcome me. Being needy was not something i ever considered a good thing, i was in control, in charge of my life, there was no room for such feelings. I did not know how to deal with those feelings, and tried very hard to ignore them, banish them, pretend they were not a part of me.
Master has helped me to understand that needing Him is a natural feeling. Nothing to be ashamed of, not a sign of weakness, just a part of "me". Asking for what i need, is hard for me. Master keeps telling me, just ask...yeah just. I don't know, maybe a part of me still feels like it is a weakness.
I started this week in a "funk". It was a tough weekend, dealing with family matters, and a few other concerns. I gained 1/2 pound yesterday, which Master was ok with...it put me right at my goal. I knew yesterday that i "needed" to see Master, but decided not to mention it. He has a full plate, and i just did not feel right asking.
Today, i knew i was on shaky gound. The first thing i thought of this morning, was i need maintenance. When i let Master know of my plans for the morning, i did not mention it. I called after i had been out to breakfast with friends, left a message saying i would try calling later. I did, and this time did not leave a message.
Master called me back and after some chatting, i mentioned that "m' word. He said, we could stick to Wednesdays, and i was silent. Or, He continued, we could meet today. Today would be good i quickly said, thinking i wonder if He was reading my mind again?
After the usual kneeling time, Master decided to change things a little. Maintenance has been over His knee with a small paddle for quite a while now. As i was waitng for Him to sit, so i could climb over His knee, He told me to bare my bottom and lean over the back of the sofa. I groaned, He smiled. One of my least favorite, and hardest to stay in positions. When i had walked in i had seen a piece of wooden molding by the sofa, so i moved it and put my coat over it.....just in case.
Master is looking for something, as i am getting ready. He asks if i saw a piece of molding, and did i move it. I sort of just give Him a smile. He leaves and quickly returns with a larger and much heavier piece of wood. Your choice He says, i quickly remember where that piece of molding "disappeared" to.
He gives me a hard whack with it, and it HURT. After the second one i start to stand, He reminds me to stay in place, i reply it really hurts. After the next one He says i am only going to give you 12. Knowing how many usually helps me to get through them. This time, i say, no way, not 12, they hurt. Master's reply is you don't like 12, ok we will go for 18, as He whacks me again. I quickly am telling Him how much i love the idea of 12, and please can the number be 12? Luckily, He agrees.
My ouching gets louder. Master remarks that maybe it is because there was no warm up. Hearing that, i have several answers swirling in my head, but i remember i am over the sofa, and He is holding wood, so i choose to stay quiet...a hard learned lesson.
Finally, He is done...and He tells me to stay in place while, He starts to get me to relax, before He gets me avey "unrelaxed", and asking for permissions. When we are done, He has us move to the sofa, where He tells me to lay across His lap and He will rub the sting away. It is relaxing, and comforting, and soon those darn tears are showing up. We talk about them a bit, and Master ecnourages me to talk about what i have been struggling with. I am not ready to do that, so Master starts talking about when We first met, and thanks me fo agreeing to meet Him....He so knows how to make me feel better.
Now i am going to let in on my big DUH moment...hopefully for a long time! I get out to my car, am clicking my keys and my car is not unlocking. My "unlock" button has been erratic, lately , but i have always been able to get it to work. I cannot get the door unlocked, not matter h ow fast or hard i click the thing. I go back to ask Master for help, He is on the phone so i go outside to continue clicking. Master comes out, and the clicking is not working for Him either. He looks at me with a big grin as i am getting upset, and takes th key and puts it in the key hole and unlocks the darn door....Oh "&*^%" i am thinking, how come i did not think of that! Using the key...who would have thunk?? Master thought it was hilarious, i ...well i was more than a little embarrassed.
abby, who will never forget about using the key again!