Sunday, October 24, 2010

life update

I know it has been a while, but it is prone to do....has thrown me a curve ball. On the last day of my recent babysitting, i got a call that my dad had a heart attack. Instead of returning home, i traveled to Maine. That was a week ago. It has been a week of a couple good days, some not so good, and of discouraging news. Dad is not doing well, and i will be staying with my mom to help her for a bit. Not sure when i will get back here....i will galdly accept any prayers or positive thoughts that are sent my way....abby

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Morning maintenance

Today was maintenance day for this week. We started maintenance about 7 months ago. Master has been very consistent with the once a week goal, determined it will happen. For me, it has been a big help in keeping me focused, has helped to decrease the punishment sessions, and for the most part quieted those nasty little voices that lead to trouble.

I was a little concerned about today's spanking. I was just punished on Tuesday and although my bottom usually recovers quite quickly it was still tender, my thighs still welted and sore. Also since i had lunch plans with friends..and that usually means at least a 2 hour lunch, and Master is still working on that roofing project, He decided we would meet early. I am not..have never been..will never be..a morning person!

We met around 8:15... yes early, but if i had a We again started off with my kneeling for Him, and He concentrated His hands on my breast. There was a time, when as soon as i saw Him heading for my breast my hands would fly to try and stop Him. (once again,,as if i had a choice!) Now i stay in position, and just try to go with the sensations, and i am sometimes successful. I was successful this morning.

Then it was over His lap for a nice long hand warm-up. He kindly supplied lots of rubbing between sets, and i was soon getting to the "jello" stage. (Rubbing my thighs was not quite so relaxing, they were still sore!) Out came the maintenance paddle. He started off lightly and built up all the while keeping me in the moment with questions.

The sting and heat seemed to be building more quickly than normal, and i was soon starting to breathe deeply and squirm a little. After 2 sets, i felt Him grab me around the waist and tuck me in. That is the signal, that He is about it "rev" things up. Master is on the belief spankings should hurt, and maintenance in order to be a deterrant, should be remembered for a while.

Then came the "check", to see how wet i was. I think "sloshing" was the word He used. He started slowly circling my clit....til i was really squirming and panting, and He had my full attention. As He, became more insistent i was soon, saying Master? Hoping to hear "cum for me, sweetie", and boy did i! Once again more than once. When i finally could breathe and talk again, i commented that lately my orgasms seem to have become more intense! He chuckled and said....of it was His plan or something...

I am leaving tomorrow for 10 days, of more baby sitting. Master said that if i return having been a good girl...meaning followed all my rules, and did not gain any weigth, we could have a long session with His wonderful flogger and He would see to it that i was totally spent and really like "jello". He is good at both deterrants and motivation! Of course, if i am not good, we will still have a long session, only wood will be the main focus...YUCK!


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

capital P

Master automatically gets a copy of my postings on this blog. I had thought about blogging, but Master is the one that got me actually doing it. He offered to not read what i post, if i wanted a private place to write. It was my choice to have the entries sent to Him, hoping it would help me be more open with Him, and communicate better. I was tempted to not send yesterday's post, but i did, and i am glad that i did.

Master and i got together this afternoon. I knew He was not all that happy with me. My weigh-in was a gain..although a little less than 1 pound, over a long weekend, and with my grand-daughter here...none of which He considers acceptable excuses. I had started to communicate less over the weekend, and i was letting those darn little voices get the best of me.

It was one of those, i know what i need, i just don't want it today, feelings. He greeted me with "in a funk, are you?" I said you read my blog....He replied He knew before He read it. I was more than a little worried about what he had in mind. I never know exactly what He is planning ahead of time.

I should have known and trusted, He knew exactly what i needed. First some kneeling time, during which He reminded me that i am His submissive 24/7, even when i am entertaining a grandchild, or am away from home. He allows me certain "freedoms", but i need to remember that i am always His submissive. During this time, He is rubbing, massaging and re-claiming every part of my body. He reminds me that feeling needy is not a bad thing, it is ok with Him that i need Him. I expalain that i hate to be whiny, and He points out they are not the same. He is here for me.

Then it was over His lap, for a long hand warm-up. I was relaxing into it, and thinking...hmm..maybe this will be a "nice" session. Then he shows me a paint stick, i had never been spanked with a paint stick. To be honest, it was a little like "tapping" my bottom. Even Master chuckled a little at my non-reaction. So He went back to His hand...much more effective. He concentrated on one spot for a very long time, til i was really squirming, then He asked, what happens here? (same spot, next "cheek"). "The same", i asnwered, He is very symmetrical. After both sides had received their equal treatment, He put a swat on my thighs. I HATE being spanked on my thighs, and reacted by putting my legs up. I got a warning, they stay down or we start over. I thought, so this is the punishment part.

I hear Him say, enough of a warm-up. Warm-up?? I thought we were done. He told me to put my hands on the seat of the chair, bottom up. I hear Him taking off his belt. He asks me why He is taking off His belt, instead of moving on to something more enjoyable. I reply, because i gained..even though it was less than 1 pound. I am reminded, gaining is not an option, He does not give up, and does not allow me to give up. I am not sure how many times He swung that belt, but it was a lot, and i was struggling to stay in place. He was not going easy on me, no rubbing, no rests, no kind words, just punishment.

Finally, He says i may get up. I ask if i may get dressed, the answer is no...i may go over to the back of the chair, and lean into the chair, feet way off the ground, head on the seat. I wait, He repeats what He wants, with a warning, that He does not like to repeat Himself. It is an uncomfortable, revealing, and a new position for me.

Worst, i quickly realize that my thighs are once again His target. After 2 swats i stand up...something i have not done in a long time. I am told to get back in position, with a warning, He will start over. Two more swats and i am out of position again..complaining that it hurts...DUH! He says He is starting over, and at this rate, I will get many more than He planned. I get back in position, and get maybe 10 more..before i am pleading that it is enough. He does stop, and has me get up, to get a hug.

Punishment used to be a much bigger part of our dynamic than it is now. They were also much harsher. I think we both were "testing". It has been a while since Master has felt the need to Punish me...notice the capital P. It was what i needed today, i am once again focused on what is important, those pesky little voices have been banished, and my bottom and thighs are telling me...enough sitting!

Since i am leaving Friday for another babysitting stint, we will be meeting Thursday for maintenance...on a still tender bottom.


Monday, October 4, 2010

What was I thinking????

My granddaughter left this morning..she is one of those 2 year olds who is wise beyond her years and has a wonderful sense of humor......and does not believe in naps! It was a wonderful visit..grandchildren are purely for enjoying and so much fun!

I know i said i would post a part 2...what makes a "true" submissive. As i thought about it today..all i could think of is...what was i thinking? I am a newbie here in blog world, and have always and still believe that submission is to be defined by the 2 people involved (yes sometimes more than 2). Who am i to be expounding on what a true submissive is?

Plus i have been in a "funk" of a mood today...those of you who are close to my age will know what that means. Maybe its because Master has been busy with a roofing project, and our communication has been limited to a very few text messages. Maybe its because it was Monday, and a rainy one at that. Maybe it is because i am off for another 10 day babysitting stint this weekend, i need some time home!
Probably it is some of all the above.

Plus it seems those little "voices" that sometimes take residence in my head are fighting to return. I have been good at ignoring and banishing them for the past few months, but they just don't want to give up, and they usually lead me right to trouble!

Hope you all had a better day than i did!

Friday, October 1, 2010

thoughts on submission

I just spent a very full day at the zoo, 2 playgrounds, a tea party, playing kick ball, and answering a multitude of questions..all with the most charming 2 year old! I did manage to tire her out...Hurrah for grandma!

I have been catching up on my blog reading. As often happens, some of the topics pricked at my brain, and caused me to stop and think. I decided to do some of that thinking here.

The questions that piqued my interest were...what is a true submissive...and how does one become a true submissive?
I am going to do a post on each one, since i need to match energy and wits with that 2 year old again tomorrow, so i need an early bedtime also.

What is a true submissive? Probably about a year ago, i greeted Master with the question, do You really think i am submissive? I caught Him by surprise, and He started to chuckle, then He realized i was serious. He proceeded to list all the reasons why i was, and after we talked it out, there was a long session where he made my doubts disappear.

I have no definition for a "true submissive", or even for a submissive. As most of you have seen me write before, there is no 1 definition that fits all....not for submissive, slave, Master, top , bottom...any label in this lifestyle. I do think that submission comes from inside of a person, as does domminance. I don't think you can train someone to be a Dominant...yes you can teach a person how to spank, how to use the various implements, how to practice bondage, etc...but dominance is more than that. It is something that is built in, something that is lived every day, almost like an aura. Dominance, of another person, is a lot of work and commitment. It is not just some spanking fun.

What about the other side of the dominance coin...submission? Can you train someone to be submissive? I think maybe you least for a while. But "true" submission, comes from inside a person. I don't have a clue how to define a submissive. For me, it is a need deep inside of me, that for a long time, was not even evident to me. Once that need was allowed to surface, and started to be fed, it grew, and continues to grow.

I have a fairly good idea of what a submissive is not.

A submissive is not a doormat.
A submissvie is not a "slave in training".
A submissive is not just someone who enjoys getting spanked.
A submissive cannot be submissive to her/himself.
A submissive is not just someone what wants to be relieved of all responsibilities.

For me, a submissive, has a need, an urge to serve and please. A submissive wants to cede control to another and is willing to submit to discipline. A submissive feels complete when she has served her Master well. To a lucky few, submission is a way of life that brings happyness and peace.

My eyes are closing, my bed is calling me. What is a true submissive...that is probably different for everyone. Maybe the best answer is,,,whatever her Master wants her to be.

I would be interested in seeing other definitions to the word submissive.