Saturday, September 4, 2010

having needs.....or being needy??

I am away from home helping my daughter-in-law and son out with some babysitting. I am happy to be able to help out. I will be here for about 10 days, and then my sister and i are taking my mom on her annual birthday gift from overnight casino trip. I will not be back home for at least 2 weeks...which has led me to this post.

I have thought about this topic for a long time...and have even started to post on it a couple times... only to delete the post. I still don't have it all sorted out. I am not sure this will make sense to anyone. One thing i have learned about myself, is that writing something out helps me to sort it out and see it more clearly.

Everyone has needs. Some are basic and some are uniquely individual. Some get met and some do not. That is all a part of life. "Being needy", is something i have always seen as a weakness, something i would not allow in my life.

I graduated from high school many, many years ago. Women's lib was just starting to catch on, and although i never actually burned any of my bras, the movement did create a fire in me. I would be independent, in charge, in control, and i would have it all. (remember i was very young!)

For the most part i achieved the independent, in charge , in control part and lived it for a very long time. I had a teaching career that i was good at and loved, my classroom was never a democracy, i was "the queen", i trained student teachers, was in positions of leadership at school. I was in charge at home, many of my friends considered me a go-to person to help with problems. I achieved what i set out to do.

Then that all got turned around. I discovered that deep inside of me, was a submissive woman. It took a long time for that woman to accept that part of me. One of the things that i struggled with the most, was the feeling of neediness that i started to feel. Me...needy? How could that be?

But i could not shake it or make it go away..or ignore it. I always associated neediness with whining, and unpleasant behavior. Could i have been wrong? I struggled with the feeling and the questions that i had no answers for.

I have a couple times written to Master expressing this neediness. He has never seen it in the same light that i do, and always seems to know how to help me see it differently. Since we started weekly maintenance spankings, i seem to feel the neediness less.

Being away from Master is never easy, the longer i am away, the harder it becomes, the more "needy" i seem to get. Which is why i am thinking about all of this now, i guess. One of the questions that seems to be rolling about in my head the last couple days is wondering if feeling needy is one of the traits of a submissive? Is trying to eliminate my neediness the wrong way to deal with this? Maybe i should be channeling the neediness to help me become a better submissive?

abby...who does not have the answers to her questions..


  1. from one who has suffered through many a "needy" time......... called "jonesing" around here...

    As time passes - honestly the need becomes weaker and weaker. I was (truthfully) surprised by this. I tend to throw myself into the activities at hand - immerse myself - and it seems to work for me.

    In my opinion it has little to do with being a good or bad just has to do with "needs". shrug.

    It has now been 6 weeks since I had a semi regular partner.......... and I hardly notice the need now.

    Hopefully you won't have to go that long.


  2. The thing about women who want to be in control of themselves (and their environment) at all times is that they have a hard time accepting that everyone, absolutely everyone, has 'needs'. It's human nature. I, too, struggled with this being viewed as a weakness because that was the way *I* viewed in in myself. If I "needed" anything from someone else, then I was no longer strong. Wouldn't people respect me less, when for so long I was always 'strong'?

    I think it's an illusion we create for ourselves. I think it stems from fear. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of letting go of that control and being hurt or disappointed, fear of being viewed as weak an incapable....whatever. But the bottom line is, OUR view is the distorted one. The expectations we have of ourselves, no one else has for us. We have projected what we feel onto others.

    It's difficult to get past this. I have not fully gotten past it myself. I must intellectualize it to accept it, and recognize my guilt and shame over having 'needs' is an irrational, warped emotion. So I overrride my emotion with my head. :) The more I do that, the more I accept it as normal.

    Sorry my response is so long. Interesting topic to ponder!


  3. Morningstar..i agree, needs do go away if ignored long enough. I have found the less sexual you are, the less you want to be.

    s... thank you for your insights..and the response was not too long! You have given me a lot to think about. I think that you are right on with the fears of letting go and being vulnerable. I never thought of it as projecting my view unto others...interesting..

  4. Let me ask you an unusual question. If ever your grown-up son, finds that you are naughty. And since you say you are submissive, then would you allow him to spank you on your bare bottom.

  5. Maybe if you feel needy, your Master isn't doing a good enough job of meeting your needs. Maybe he needs to take more control. Just a suggestion.


  6. FD...a different perspective is always most welcome! Maybe you are partially correct. I do have a very hard time admitting to Master that i am feeling needy...the last time i did, was when He started the maintenance spankings. abby