Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Maintenance day

Today was my maintenance spanking for this week. It's a little early in the week, but Master and i have different plans for the end of the week. Master will be re-roofing a house...lucky Him..and i will be enjoying a visit from my oldest grand-daughter..she is almost 21/2 and very vocal! I will be having tea parties, playing dress-up, going to the zoo and park...lucky me!

I believe that all things in life have an ebb and flow. Lately my submission to Master has been in the flow zone. I have been so aware of my submission, and pleasing Him has been my top priority,..yes maybe it should always be like that, but sometimes i just feel it so much more.

Back to today, after we chatted a bit i noticed the small paddle and the large strap...pretty standard maintenance "toys". As i layed across Master's lap He started with a fairly long..very nice hand warm-up. We often talk during this time, and today we talked about consistency. Master brought it up, said He noticed in some blogs that it seems to be what a lot of submissives are looking for. I wanted to say DUH..but i was laying across His lap. Consistency is something Master is very very good at. Sometimes i have doubts that He will follow through, but most of the time, He does. We started maintenance spankings about 7 months ago...and at first i wondered how long it would last...yes i doubted. But, unless one of us..usually me...is out of town for the whole week, He finds a way to make maintenance happen, every single week. Thank You Master!

Back to today, hand warm-up, starting over clothes, and progressing to my bare bottom. Lots of good rubbing, and a fabulous back massage thrown in...i was soooooo relaxed. Then He asked me to hand Him the paddle. I would rather He just pick it up, but i said Yes Sir and handed it over. As he started in with the paddle, He is telling me how good i have been, but a maintenace spanking has to be felt to be effective....not like a punishment spanking....but so it is a deterrent to a punishment spanking. His hand goes around my waist as He tucks me in...i know He is now going to start in harder.

He gives me two sets of hard spanks. I have no idea how many, He always counts...needs to have both sides even..lol. I used to try to count, but i never get far. A short break between sets with a little rubbing. I am starting to really squirm, just as he ends the second set.

Then i feel His fingers start to explore. In less than a minute i am about ready to explode. He knows my body so well. When i first met Master, i had resigned myself to the fact that sex was a thing of the past for me. I no longer even felt like a sexual person. I never expected that to change. But it has, Master can get me wet and ready almost by just talking to me, and most of the time, one orgasm is just the start. This afternoon was like one extra long orgasm, that truly left me spent and breathless. I am always so ready for Him...

The strap remained unused, i was so relaxed and Master decided it was not to be used. It was a great maintenance day!


Monday, September 27, 2010

incentive from Master!

Fridays and Mondays are my weigh-in days. When we first started on this weight loss challenge ( it sure is a big challenge!) i weighed in once a week. I also sent Master a food journal every day, still do. Knowing that i had to admit to what i ate, was quite a deterrant...usually. Master noticed that weekends were when i splurged, so we went to 2 weigh-ins a week. Lately i have been asking to go back to 1, but my answer is "nope" with that look that says it is not open to discussion.

This morning when i weighed in i loss 1.5 pounds...that is huge for a weekend! I could not wait to give Master my report. When we talking, He noticed my mood, and remarked looks like I am going to hear a good report...i keep forgetting how transparent i am to Him. He was very pleased.

I am currently working on a 10 pound goal. I have 6.5 to go. Master then said that if i reach the goal by Thanksgiving...and stay there!...He will give me a 5 pound "wriggle room". FIVE whole pounds, good for the holidays! Usually if a go away, or there is a special occasion i am expected to at the very least stay the same, very occasionlly He say, stay within 2 pounds....never 5!

I am determined to take advantage of His generosity!


Sunday, September 26, 2010

is it fair??

The word "fair" has been bouncing around in my head lately. Such a simple word, but how does one define fair?
Seems to be one of those words where the definition depends on the user.

Some might say that fair means equal. Does that mean that a power exchange relationship is never fair, because it cerainly is not equal. Does the word fair even belong in such a relationship? Most of the people that I associate with every day..if they knew the ins and outs of my relationship with Master...would say , "How unfair!"

Strangely, i guess, i have never considered Him to be unfair. When i am punished i know why, and i can always ask to talk about the punishment ahead of time. It rarely changes anything, but i feel better for having talked it out with Him. He is generous with permissions as long as i ask politely and respectfully. In fact i am usually very surprised when i hear a no to my request.

From my past experiences, and from what i have observed, i think that "fairness" is the root cause of many arguments.
"It's not fair!....HE/she is not being fair!" Master and i have not had a screaming, foot stomping argument...i can only imagine His reaction to that! But i think part of the reason is because fair does not enter into our equation.

I trust Him, i respect Him, i know He wants me to be the best me i can be. He knows how to calm me, make me feel secure, He can see right through me. He has helped me to find "myself", to accept "me". He has made fantasies happen, and even gone beyond what i could have imagined.

So who needs fair????????????????


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

finally home again!

I finally returned home last night. I was away a little longer than i had planned..almost 3 weeks. My grand-daughter got taller before my eyes, and is learning new words every day! My mom, my sister and I went on our girl's trip to the casino. We all came back poorer, but shared a great time, laughing til we cried ( and almost wet ourselves) several times! So lots of good times, but it was a long time to be away.

It's the longest I have been away from Master since i became His. We both agree it was too long. I know i am His no matter where i am, but keeping focused is harder when we are apart.

Finally, this afternoon, I got my big welcome back hug from Master! It felt sooooo good. I was quickly kneeling before Him, listening to His voice, feeling His hands reclaim every part of me, relishing in the feeling that i was back where I belong.

Then it was over His knee, for a wonderful hand warm-up. His hand is my favorite spanking "toy". It can build in quite a burn, but I certainly can relax into it. We usually are chatting during this time, getting caught up on our news and plans. Besides, spanking, Master's hands give the BEST back rubs. When He starts with the massaging, I just breathe deeply, and totally relax and enjoy.

He then told me to hand Him the small paddle, that is usually used for maintenance. He was not spanking as hard as He usually does, but I was squirming and ouching. Seems that 3 weeks without a spanking makes my bottom more vulnerable.
We talked about how I managed my diet while I was away.

I had good news/bad news for Him. When I used the wii this morning, I weighed in and had actually loss .02 of a pound...not much, but a whole lot better than gaining! He was very proud of me. I then mumbled the bad news, I had ice cream, without asking for permission first. He heard it, and I could feel His disappointment before He even spoke to me. I was hoping that since I confessed, He would say don't let it happen again, and forget it. Of course, that was not the case. He tucked me into Him, and let that little paddle fly for 100 hard spanks. He repeated that ice cream was a problem for me...I could eat it every day, and not just a spoonful...so the rule is I have to ask and receive permission before having some. No Exceptions!

Next I was bent over the sofa, in position for Master's large strap. He said He would start off lightly and build up. I love leather..and this strap is one of my favorites. Even as the swings got harder, I was so into it, it "hurt sooo good"! Master wanted me to concentrate on cumming for Him while He was strapping me, I have not quite mastered that yet, but with a little coaxing form His fingers, and more strapping, I was on my way to a wonderful release..or two!

Master gave me two permissions, which need to be used before bed tonite. I have used one, and will get to the other one soon. Thank You Master for a wonderful welcome back!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

a 1 year old does me in....

i have been thinking all week about posting another look back, to the day i became Master's submissive. I also have been babysitting my 1 year old grand-daughter all week...she has way more energy than i do. Of course she does get to nap every afternoon! I have been too tired to put together that post, so decided just to do a quick check in.
i have been away for over a week, and about 10 more days to go. One week is usually about what it takes for me to start really missing Master. Oh, i miss Him after one day, but after a week the voices in my head keep trying to start up...you know ..the ones that always lead to touble. We keep in touch several times a day, so hopefully i will return without being in too much trouble!
i am looking forward to an overnight casino outing with my mom and sister later this week. We always have lots of fun..win or lose...although winning is much more fun!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

having needs.....or being needy??

I am away from home helping my daughter-in-law and son out with some babysitting. I am happy to be able to help out. I will be here for about 10 days, and then my sister and i are taking my mom on her annual birthday gift from us..an overnight casino trip. I will not be back home for at least 2 weeks...which has led me to this post.

I have thought about this topic for a long time...and have even started to post on it a couple times... only to delete the post. I still don't have it all sorted out. I am not sure this will make sense to anyone. One thing i have learned about myself, is that writing something out helps me to sort it out and see it more clearly.

Everyone has needs. Some are basic and some are uniquely individual. Some get met and some do not. That is all a part of life. "Being needy", is something i have always seen as a weakness, something i would not allow in my life.

I graduated from high school many, many years ago. Women's lib was just starting to catch on, and although i never actually burned any of my bras, the movement did create a fire in me. I would be independent, in charge, in control, and i would have it all. (remember i was very young!)

For the most part i achieved the independent, in charge , in control part and lived it for a very long time. I had a teaching career that i was good at and loved, my classroom was never a democracy, i was "the queen", i trained student teachers, was in positions of leadership at school. I was in charge at home, many of my friends considered me a go-to person to help with problems. I achieved what i set out to do.

Then that all got turned around. I discovered that deep inside of me, was a submissive woman. It took a long time for that woman to accept that part of me. One of the things that i struggled with the most, was the feeling of neediness that i started to feel. Me...needy? How could that be?

But i could not shake it or make it go away..or ignore it. I always associated neediness with whining, and unpleasant behavior. Could i have been wrong? I struggled with the feeling and the questions that i had no answers for.

I have a couple times written to Master expressing this neediness. He has never seen it in the same light that i do, and always seems to know how to help me see it differently. Since we started weekly maintenance spankings, i seem to feel the neediness less.

Being away from Master is never easy, the longer i am away, the harder it becomes, the more "needy" i seem to get. Which is why i am thinking about all of this now, i guess. One of the questions that seems to be rolling about in my head the last couple days is wondering if feeling needy is one of the traits of a submissive? Is trying to eliminate my neediness the wrong way to deal with this? Maybe i should be channeling the neediness to help me become a better submissive?

abby...who does not have the answers to her questions..